A Friend In Need
by MaskedShipper
Summary: Remus lets slip that girls don't exactly do it for him, and Sirius decides that a bit of meddling is necessary. Cupid would be proud. Eventual SiriusxRemus
1. Crossing the Line

**A/N: **Thanks to Zachana16 for being my beta! You rock! Serious love to you. This will be a three chapter story. I hope you enjoy. Feedback is love.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

* * *

"I'm not gay." 

"I'm not asking if you're gay or not! What I'm asking is – "

"I'm _not_ gay!"

"I know you're not gay, Moony! I just want to know if – "

"No. Because I'm not gay. Do you see how that works?"

"Moony, I'm not questioning your sexuality – "

"That's exactly what you're doing!"

"I just want to know if you thought Prongs was growing into a good looking sod, is all."

"First off, calling your friend a sod really isn't all that nice, and secondly, I don't think so, because if I _did_, I'd be – "

"I know, I know. _Gay_."

"Right."

It wasn't that Sirius _enjoyed_ making Remus' face such a bright shade of red, it was just that – no, never mind. That really _was_ it. He enjoyed making Remus' face such a bright shade of red. There was no other reason for torturing his friend like this except for the fact that he liked seeing the other squirm uncomfortably. Red was his favourite colour, after all.

Remus was looking flustered and embarrassed, not to mention more than a little irritated. But Sirius didn't leave his side. It didn't matter if Remus was trying to work on his homework. Sirius Black was bored, and a bored Sirius Black was an irritating one.

"Know what?"

"I don't care. Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate on my Transfiguration essay?"

The words didn't seem to register in the other's mind at all.

"Evan Rosier? Know him?"

"The Slytherin two years above us?"

"Yeah. Hot, don't you think?"

"Actually, I'm rather cool. If you're hot you can – hold on. What?"

"Don't you think he's groovy, Moony?"

"I most certainly do not!"

"Really? Are you sure?"

"I'm absolutely sure! Blokes can_not_ be hot or groovy. That's that."

"But – "

"Don't start with me, Sirius. I'm trying to do my work. If these questions won't stop, you'll need to go find someone else to annoy."

Remus huffed, scribbling harder onto his sheet.

"What about Edgar Bones?"

"The fourth year?"

"Hit puberty during the summer. I'm glad to say it turned out real nice for him."

"Bugger off, seriously, and shut your trap hole. For once, take someone's advice other than your own."

It really was out of character for him to be acting so… well… Sirius couldn't think of a word for it, but he knew for a fact that Remus didn't usually act that way.

"What crawled up _your_ bum and died?"

"Nothing! Nothing goes up my bum! Nothing, I say! Because only queers have things in their bums."

"Oh."

Sirius was smirking now, his hand inching towards the other. "Methinks you're a little defensive, Moony…" A finger reached out and poked the other's shoulder.

"Sirius, I swear to Merlin I'll – "

"What? Take what's in your bum and shove it in mine?"

"_Sirius!_"

His eyes were wide and his face was… Wow. Remus' face could probably melt the polar icecaps with all the heat that was escaping it. (If he got close enough, that was, though Sirius wasn't sure _why_ he would go that far north.)

"Lighten up, Moony. You told me you weren't gay, remember?"

"That doesn't mean I enjoy hearing things like that!"

"What? James is always going on about what he wants to do to Lily. _All the time_. We hear him moan in his sleep, we do. And all you do is laugh with me at times like that. And what are you doing now? Not laughing, that's for sure. And it's the same kind of situation, isn't it? Maybe you've forgotten how. Do you remember how to laugh, Moony?"

"That isn't funny."

"Ha. Ha. Say it with me, Moony. Ha. _Ha_. Go ahead, try."

Maybe he had pushed a little too far. Remus looked rather cross with him at the moment, and turned his narrowed gaze back to his paper. Sirius waited a few seconds, hoping Remus would turn around again, but the other did no such thing. Bugger. Sirius let out a sigh.

"Remus – "

"I'm not talking to you."

He couldn't help but smirk again. Thank the stars Remus couldn't see him - he might have hexed him, and badly.

"You're not?"

"No."

"But… you are."

"Am not."

"Yes. You keep doing it."

"No I don't."

"There. You've done it again."

"Piss off."

The dark haired teenager sighed again, chewing his lip slightly. Remus really did seem angry. Had he _really _gone too far? Why was he getting so bloody snappy about this? The other's red face wasn't entertaining him anymore. Now he was slightly aggravated himself.

"What's your problem? M'just joking around, you know."

"I don't like your jokes."

"Shouldn't get so offended, Moony. I mean, it's not like birds turn you off or anything like that."

Remus didn't answer. Bloody hell, was he ignoring him? Of course, Remus had said so, but the other hadn't believed him. Sirius pouted and crossed his arms, rather childishly. "Fine. Don't answer. Know what? I'm just gonna leave you to your stupid work and your stupid non-laughing self. I hope you're happy."

He got up dramatically, with another huff, and took a step away. But Remus didn't call him back. There were no theatrical scenes, no wonderful Marauder acting skills, no teary-eyed shows for the audience in the Gryffindor common room. It wasn't like what usually happened when Sirius initiated the 'goodbye' routine. Remus remained quiet.

The Black turned towards his silent friend, a little concerned now.

"Moony?"

"Sirius, piss _off_."

"Look, I really don't know what's bugging you, but if it's because of me – "

"Of course it's because of you! I was perfectly fine before you started talking about all this rubbish. My homework will never be completed. I won't be able to concentrate. And it's all your fault. It's all your bloody fault!"

"What? Remus, look I'm sorry, but that's hardly a fair accusation – "

"It's your fault! You couldn't just leave me be! Your stupid words and proddings put stupid doubt into my mind. My mind that was perfectly fine how it was. And yet you put in thoughts, you did. Thoughts about other blokes and things that don't include birds and – "

"Remus, what are you going on about?"

" – and you just wouldn't shut up! You talk about _bees_ all the bloody time, when I want to talk about _birds_. It's not fair! If you hadn't asked so many sodding questions in the past, if you had just spoken about what normal teen blokes spoke about – "

"Wait. What was that about the birds and the bees?"

"It's because of your stupid conversations that I'm a bloody fruit!"

"…"

Sirius' mind might have imploded. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that nothing seemed to be working. Not the language functions, not the autonomic features, not even his heartbeat. All was shut down. They had stared at each other for Merlin knew how long, Remus with his glare of doom, Sirius with his distant stare. Sirius' mouth finally opened, and the tiniest of strangled sounds escaped him. Remus seemed to snap out of his anger at that moment.

"…What?"

"What?"

"What did you just say?"

Remus' face was a much darker shade of red than Sirius had ever seen it before.

"What did you _hear_?" he asked, speaking as if Sirius couldn't see the look of absolute dread on his face.

"What did you _say_?"

"What did you _hear_?"

"It doesn't matter what I heard. What matters is what you _said_."

"No, that really doesn't matter. What matters is what you _heard_."

Sirius wasn't going to play this game. His pointed face twitched and he licked his lips, trying hard to prevent the smile from appearing. It was futile. How could he fight such a strong urge to smile?

"You said you were a fruit."

Remus stared at the desk and he mumbled something Sirius didn't catch. It didn't matter. His smile turned into a grin, and no matter how hard he bit his lip, he couldn't make it stop.

"You're a shirt lifter."

Again, Remus mumbled something, and Sirius could feel something bubble in his lungs. No, it would be evil to laugh; it would make Remus very uncomfortable and more embarrassed than was clearly necessary.

"You like blokes!" And all control of the situation was lost. Barks of laughter left his lips so often that the male couldn't breathe, no matter how much he tried to gasp for air. He clutched at his stomach, not noticing the looks he was receiving from the other Gryffindors. Remus _had_ been defensive. Remus was a gay. Remus was a pouf. Remus… was going to curse him _real _badly, if the glare was anything to go by. "Aha! No! I'm not making fun of you! Aha, ha, no! No!" Remus had taken his wand out and silenced Sirius' words. Literally.

"Silencio," he hissed crossly, looking around, obviously fearing someone would overhear what the other Marauder was giggling so hard about. The poor male couldn't handle so much laughing.

Holding on to the table for support, the now mute Sirius was convulsing with unheard laughter and snickers. Not even Merlin himself could have stopped it. There were tears in his eyes, and he doubted anything had ever sounded so funny to his ears before.

"You're such an arsehole," Remus spat, crossing his arms and stalking towards the dorm.

'No! I don't mean – ' Not only was he a mute, but he also knew that Remus wouldn't have turned around for his explanation even with his voice restored. He sighed, silent twitters still passing his lips.

It took a while to calm down. Longer than he would have liked. But he promised himself not to insult Remus further, which meant that he'd only chase after him when the goofy grin was off of his face. With a final – and inaudible – sigh and a wipe to his watery eyes, he made his way up to their shared dorm.

'Moony?' Oh right. No sound. His own wand pointed at his throat, he thought hard on the spell to get his voice back. "Moony?" Ah, that was better. "Remus, look, I didn't mean – "

"You're a bloody prick."

"Are you hiding behind those curtains? No, listen to me. I wasn't making fun of you. Well, okay, maybe a little, but it's not 'cause I think anything's wrong with you. It's just 'cause – "

"'Cause what, Sirius? Because I'm your friend? Because you've never met a live homosexual before? Because I'll never be able to think about girls the way you and Peter and James do?"

"Well, no. 'Cause it was funny, that's all."

There was a silence, and Sirius was sure that during this time, Remus would assess the situation, would realize how funny it truly was, and would join Sirius in laughter and apologies.

"I hate you."

Needless to say, those weren't the words Sirius had had in mind.

"What? How could you say such a thing? I'm hurt!"

Remus just rolled his eyes and began scribbling on the parchment in his lap. Sirius had no doubt that it was homework of some sort. When girls were distressed, they ate ice cream. When Moony was distressed, he worked on his essays. To each his own.

"I mean it, Remus! I wasn't making fun of you in an evil way! I completely respect your choice of shags."

"Shags?" Remus' head snapped to Sirius', eyes wide and incredulous. "This has nothing to do with – "

"I'll even help you find the right bloke! Not too easy, sexy, good leg muscles…"

"Sirius, I don't think - "

"Do you want them to trim their – "

"SIRIUS!"

"Yes?"

"Please! For the love of Merlin, _stop talking_!"

Sirius blinked once, twice, before losing his grin and becoming uncharacteristically serious. The idea of one of his best friends mad at him because of a laugh… It didn't exactly make his day.

"I will help you, Moony. Promise I will. I'll find you a good, respectable bloke you can be with."

Their eyes locked, and for a few moments, that was all there was: a connection between grey and gold. Finally, Remus tore away, a small smile at his lips.

"It's fine. I can find a guy myself, when I'm ready. It'll happen when it happens."

Sirius took that as Remus' way of saying 'apology accepted' as well as 'we're officially best mates again', and, quite possibly 'I want to get laid'. The last one might have been a stretch.

"Right. It'll happen when it happens," Sirius repeated, nodding once, and heading for the door. The sandy haired teen looked at him, smiled softly at his friend's acceptance, then went back to his work.

Meanwhile, Sirius' mind was beginning to catalogue all the potentially gay males of Hogwarts.

_&&&_


	2. A Lover's Quarrel

Remus' ignorant attitude was starting to get on Sirius' nerves. Perhaps 'ignorant' wasn't the proper word. Thickheaded? Slow? To what lengths did a bloke have to go to to show the Marauder he was interested? Sing him his declarations of affection? Honestly!

"Sirius, what are you doing?"

"Hush, Prongs. I'm busy."

"Busy doing what?"

"Hush!"

The two boys remained crouched against the doorway, grey eyes locked on Remus' form in class while hazel tried to look for the target.

"Spying on Moony?"

"Hush, I said!"

Sirius continued to watch as Diggory asked Remus how it was he knew so much about everything. He watched as the tall, handsome Hufflepuff touched Remus' shoulder more than was really necessary. He watched as the bloke smiled charmingly and laughed at all of Remus' not-really-all-that-funny remarks. And he watched Remus be oblivious to all the flirting. How dense could one get? Sirius felt his insides knotting up. It was nerves, he was sure; if Remus was gay, why did he not know when guys were coming on to him?

"Can you see that?" Sirius hissed, looking at James quickly before going back to watching the scene inside the class.

"Looks like Diggory is feeling up our friend. I didn't know he was – "

"Not _him_. Remus! Look at Remus!"

The two mischievous teens continued to watch Diggory's pointless laughing and touching. Remus seemed only interested in answering whatever questions the other had and packing up, not looking at all embarrassed or flustered or… knowledgeable as to what was going on. For a nerd, Remus sure was dumb.

"Maybe Remus just isn't gay," James said, shrugging as he stood up and brushed his pants off. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Gay or not, he should know what Diggory wants. Look at that! He's practically waving his dick around!"

James snickered and nudged Sirius with his knee. "What does it matter? A little fruitless flirting never hurt anyone."

"Yeah, you would know." It was Sirius' turn to snicker. Oh, how he loved to tease his best mate's love. He and Lily just weren't working out… Oh well. At least one of them would have a good love life. Remus deserved it, after all. Sirius' love life was inexistent: he had a shag-life, but that wasn't at all the same. Nope. People in his bed did not mean people in his heart. He watched Moony for a few moments longer before standing up. How would it feel to have someone in his heart…?

He forced the mushy, girly stuff out of his mind. He had his friends, and that was all he needed.

"If the purpose of that comment was to shatter me, you've done so," James said, shaking his head sadly and adding a little sniff. Sirius snickered and hit his friend's arm. He couldn't honestly say that James was able to keep his attention, though. His mind always wandered to a golden-eyed teenager. How was he supposed to get him a lover if he failed to notice all the nice things Sirius set up for him? It wasn't fair! He was just going to have to increase the pace of this game. Amos Diggory obviously wasn't doing his best. The Black was determined to have another little chat with him.

* * *

"Listen, I'm trying!"

"Try harder!"

"It's not my fault! I dunno, Black. Maybe he's not even into blokes. He didn't even realise – "

"He's just a bit dense, that's all. Look, you owe me."

"Will you hold that over my head for the rest of my life?"

"I let you fly right by! You scored and won the game! We both know I could have knocked you off your broom easily, but I didn't, did I?"

"No, you're right."

"So try harder!"

"What do you want me to do? Take my dick out and wave it around? ... Don't give me that look, Black. I'm not some kind of whore. You're lucky I'm even doing this for you. Lupin isn't my type."

"Why? He doesn't have a vagina!"

"Not all gay blokes like all gay blokes, you loon!"

"…Really?"

"…I cannot believe you just said that…"

"…I… Are you sure?"

"Black – "

"But you've the same interests! He likes penises, you like penises… shouldn't it… work out? ... I can see my words are sinking into your head. Ponder them, my friend. Anyway, I had a reason to call you here."

"You already stated your reason."

"There was a reason beyond the simple 'You Suck At Flirting'."

"Which was?"

"You have to be blunt with him. Come straight out with it. Ask him on a date."

"A date? Are you kidding me? He's not gonna talk about Charms or Transfiguration the whole time, is he?"

"Of course not! Remus is very versatile when it comes to conversations. He really is great. You'll like him. You can't _not_ like him. Penis, remember?"

"Black?"

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

* * *

Moony looked rushed, flustered, and just a tad confused. In other words, he looked perfect. Sirius had never seen Remus care this much about his appearance (excluding the days after the full moon, of course), and he was glad to report that the other kept glancing into the mirror. Sirius smirked broadly. Ah, first loves. Always the most thrilling…

"Where're you off to at this time of day?"

"Library," came the immediate answer; Remus bit his lip, trying to hide a smile. Sirius was a tad hurt that the other hadn't told him about it, about the date, about why he was getting so anxious, but he was happy to let his friend be happy. That's what friends were for, right? What kind of friend would he be if he didn't try to find Remus someone to bugger his brains out? Sirius just wished that, had the roles been reversed, Remus would have done the same for him. (Found him a boyfriend, not bugger his brains out. Obviously.)

"You're lookin' pretty sharp just to be heading for the library. Date with Madame Pince?"

"Hardy har har. You're so funny."

Sirius' smirk melted into a smile when he saw the wide grin on Remus' face.

"I know."

* * *

"I'm having a real nice time, Amos."

This was going perfectly.

"Yeah, well… you're real nice, Remus."

Lame and cheesy, just what a first-time lover was bound to like. Could it get any better?

The two began to kiss which meant that, obviously, it could. Sirius wasn't watching because he was a pervert or anything. He was doing it simply to assure his self that it was happening. Amos Diggory was almost as sneaky as a Slytherin – he might have found a way to slip out of this. There didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary, though, which was good. It relieved Sirius' mental frenzy about finding Remus a good guy.

Sirius blinked.

There still wasn't anything weird. Just that… no, that wasn't weird. Quite normal, actually. Sirius kissed girls like that all the time. A kiss just wasn't the same if you didn't slip in a tongue, he knew, but… But it unnerved him to see it. It made him feel bad to watch his friend being taken advantage of like that. Who did Diggory think he was, leaning closer like that, slipping his tongue into his mate's mouth, making that strange, strangled little moan…

Why wasn't Remus pulling away? Did these people not breathe? Was sucking face _really_ more important than oxygen? Honestly!

After a few millennia, the two finally pulled apart, Moony's face aflame and a small, happy smile on his lips. Amos, on the other hand, was positively leering and not at all looking as cute or innocent as Remus was.

"You're a good kisser."

"Oh, well…" Remus glanced away, his face becoming impossibly redder. Unlike the last time it had been that colour, Sirius was not enjoying it. "I, uhm… thanks."

Diggory grinned and waggled his eyebrows, leaning in for another kiss. Sirius sighed and slumped against the wall, hugging James' invisibility cloak tighter around him. Remus was happy. Too bad he couldn't be happy with someone who wasn't a sex craving maniac. Who knew what Diggory was going to do with him! A bloke who snogs that well was bound to know how to manipulate _anyone_ into a nice shagging position.

"Ex_cuse_ me!"

Sirius was startled back to attention by Remus' loud voice.

"I thought this was part of the deal!"

"What _deal_?"

"Black said that if I went out on a date with you, we could make each other happy! This is how we make each other happy, see?"

"Get your hand the _hell_ away from me!"

Sirius couldn't help but smirk. That's right. Roaming hands were good for nothing. Moony wasn't as easy as Diggory thought. Thank Merlin Remus wasn't being touched like that anymore.

"But I – "

"What do you mean '_Black said'_?"

Uh oh. Bad. The smirk was gone in half an instant. Sirius shut his eyes tightly, hoping that if he didn't look, it might not really be happening.

"You heard me. That weirdo Sirius Black asked me to go out with you. Said something about… Oh, I'm not too sure anymore… But I _am_ sure he mentioned something about me getting a willing lay. I wouldn't have gone out with you without his prompting, Lupin. No offence. I just wanted a fuck, and Black said you'd be willing."

Sirius' eyes popped open. He'd never said that! Where was his lawyer? Surely someone was going to speak on his behalf whilst he tried to get swallowed by the floor!

"He said what?"

Remus' voice was even and low, a harsh whisper that made gooseflesh (and not the good kind) rise on Sirius' skin. He hadn't said anything of the sort, but that didn't matter. Remus was terribly angry. He sounded more hurt than the male had ever heard him. Sirius could see Remus' eyes get glassy and misty, and suddenly he knew there was nothing humorous about this, nothing at all fine and dandy. Remus was hurt, and Sirius had done it.

"I… I have to go."

Remus ran out, embarrassed and ashamed, and Amos just sighed and sat there.

* * *

Sirius took a deep breath and, for the umpteenth time, straightened his robes. His hand had been on the doorknob for almost a whole ten minutes now as he tried to let the guilt go down to a manageable amount. He failed at that. Finally, deciding that he was only making the situation worse by waiting, he opened the door.

"Hey, Remus," he said as he walked in, a smile in place as he forced an air of casualness around himself. Remus was not huddled in his bed, crying his eyes out over his failed first love, as Sirius had imagined. Nor did the dorm look completely trashed, as he had expected. No dung bombs were going off. Sirius would have liked to be attacked by dung bombs. It might have helped him feel just the tiniest bit less like a worthless pile of crud. Remus was just sitting on his bed, staring at Sirius as if he'd known he would walk in, his eyes hard and not at all watery as they'd been only half an hour before.

"So how… how'd it go?"

He couldn't play innocent because he saw it in Remus' eyes. He saw anger and resentment, but not fiery hot. It was just there, mixing and rubbing against all the hurt that came through. Sirius licked his lips, feeling more nervous than he ever had. Sirius Black, the bloke who was never nervous, who never feared anything, now wished he was safely behind Mrs Potter. Where was his almost-mum when he needed her?

"Remus?"

"How could you?"

Sirius' smile fell off his face as he hung his head in shame. The eldest Black felt submissive as the guilt he'd been trying to compress into a smaller amount earlier sprung inside him, making it difficult for him to breathe. He hadn't meant to cause the other pain like this. "I didn't tell him you would spread your legs for him, Moony. I didn't say anything of the sort. I just – "

"Just what?" Remus snapped, standing from his bed and taking a step closer. "Just thought you could get someone to pretend to like me? Just thought you'd solve my gayness by letting someone rape me? Just wanted to make sure I never trusted you again? Go on, tell me what you _'just'_ wanted to do."

Sirius looked up and licked his lips. He stared into the other's intense, emotional eyes, unable, for once in his life, to come up with a response. He looked down again and shook his head.

"I can't believe you," Remus murmured, shoving Sirius' shoulder as he walked past, heading for the door. Sirius turned around and grabbed onto his wrist as he walked, pulling him back, his hand met with much resistance. He was desperate for Remus to understand that he hadn't told Diggory anything of the sort, that he hadn't wanted Remus to have a shag, per se, that he'd just wanted…

"I just want to help, is all."

Remus stopped trying to pull out of his grasp. They locked eyes, both boys so close, Sirius' heart beating faster and faster. Sirius didn't want the other to go. It would jeopardize their friendship, their relationship, everything they'd built over the years.

"I want you to be happy."

It didn't seem like anyone was breathing. Sirius licked his lips and saw Moony's eyes following his tongue's movement. If he leaned forward just a bit, if he pressed just the tiniest bit closer, maybe they'd be able to –

"You've a funny way of showing it." Remus pulled his wrist out of Sirius' grasp and glared hard once last time before pulling the door open and stepping out.

Sirius sighed and bit his lip. What the hell had he been thinking? Helping Remus find a man obviously wasn't his calling. And why had Remus' lips seemed so inviting? Was that normal?

With another sigh, the male flung himself onto his bed. He screeched and jumped up when he heard the explosions underneath him. Soon, the smell of dung permeated the room and enveloped a shocked and culpable Sirius.

Dung bomb? Merlin.

He couldn't help but snicker. The snicker was soon followed by lots of coughing and trying to wave the smell away by getting out of the room, and fast.

He smiled fondly once out. He smelled completely terrible.

Even in pain, Remus was a Marauder through and through.


End file.
